Gods hidden agenda

I had a recent medical scare that I have been debating on blogging about, not because of me but to share the uncommon ways God can use us.

About 3 months ago I had a really sore lymph node come up under my left arm.  I had recently had a sinus issues so I chalked it up to my body fighting off that virus.  Needless to say it continued to stay sore and at times throb.  I tried to put it out of my mind thinking it was all in my head but being in the medical field the worst always came to mind.  I finally gave in and decided to have it checked out, especially since my deductible had been met for the year.  She felt it and said she wanted to have it ultrasounded.  Of course all kinds of thoughts flooded my mind.  I kept repeating scripture in my head to try to control my emotions.  The ones I thought of the most were; "I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7" and "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:10-12 "

I dreaded the next days anticipating the worst but hoping for the best.  I took a lot of my fear and turned it into frustration, wrongfully attacking Chris.  Finally the night before I was sitting on the couch looking at the Christmas tree and said, "Lord I submit to your perfect will."  I felt a immense feeling of peace come over me. I knew regardless, everything was going to be okay.  I told God that whoever I met the next day during my ultrasound I would tell them about Him.

Chris went with me to the appointment after dropping the kids off.  I was called back by a young lady in her late 30's. She introduced herself and began asking questions about the lump. Somehow we got on the topic of what I did for a living and told her I was a physical therapist but now only worked PRN so I could stay at home and homeschool my children.  She was intrigued and stated she had wanted to homeschool her son but came down with a very deadly and aggressive cancer that took up a lot of her life.  She asked why I homeschool and I proceeded to tell her that my husband and I are Christians and that we want to develop the character of Christ in our children in all we do even in their education.  She lit up and said I am a christian too.  We talked about God and our child rearing beliefs for the next 45 minutes as she scanned my underarm and chest. I was at peace the whole time.

She finished and said that she would have the doctor read it before I left so that I could have some peace.  She returned with the report that all was normal.  I have 2 lymph nodes that are sore and most likely related to nursing.  My heart leaped for joy with the good news.  She told me to put my clothes on and then knock on the door to let her know I was done.  I was so moved by her that I just had to tell her what had transpired over the past few days and that I felt God put her there for me on this day. 

When she came back I proceeded to tell her how thankful I was for her and how I felt that God placed her there at her job on this day to provide me comfort.  She began to fight back tears and say that she had not felt the presence of God in a long time and thoughout our interaction she kept feeling Him touch her.  We both were fighting back tears and just reached out and began hugging one another.  She told me how she had a PET scan the week before and came to grips that if it was her time she was ready.  It all came back clear.  We praised God, the great physician, together.  I think we hugged 3 times before I left and she gave me her cell phone number.

I am still at awe of how mighty God is and how He works.  Was she there for me or was I there for her?  If I had not submitted to God and his leading me to speak of Him would she have experienced His presence that she so desperately needed? 

Being an instrument of God is not always fun and smiles.  He can use the most fearful moment of your life to not only touch you but to use you to touch someone else.  I am learning to listen a little more intently to God and His perfect will.  I am so thankful I did.  I was blessed beyond measure.

God Hears ALL Things

The other day I was just having some random thoughts. The first was my little man sure is mature for his age.  He listens so well when I am not in the room.  Let the pruning begin.  God like to use my children to prune me and teach me many things. Well not long after this thought we were doing school at the kitchen table with Makenna.  Maddax was coloring next to us. I look up and find Maddax chomping down on a crayon. He said, "Look mom it is nauqamarine." I found myself scraping and picking out crayon from his teeth for the next 10 minutes.  We finally got his teeth cleaned and our day went on. A couple hours later Makenna was practicing the piano and when she finished playing all her songs with both hands she asked for an M&M.  I told her she could have 2 and to give Maddax 2 for going potty earlier.  I hear her in the closet and then nothing else.  I proceed to walk through the living room and see Maddax sitting on the couch facing the corner.  I really did not think anything about it until I went to get in the closet and found M&M's scattered on the floor but the container was MIA.  I looked over at Maddax again to find him shoveling M&M's in his mouth.  I could not help but chuckle. Pretty smart move for the little guy. Needless to say I have been watching him extra closely lately. 

Then I have been dealing with a stinky disposal for some time.  We really did not want to shell out the money to have it fixed so I am constantly running frozen lemons down it to make it smell better.  We tried cleaner but after a day it is back.  We generally unplug the drain and walk away.  Well I had it the other day.  I told Chris I was calling a plumber the next day if he did not.  The next morning I was doing laundry and at the end of the wash cycle the door unlock signal went off 7 times. I new something was wrong.  The blinking light said E27. It was nowhere to be found in the manual so I googled it. Needless to say ti was "door lock/ unlock" error. Duh!!  I called Bosch and they said there is no reset button and I would have to contact someone to fix it.  Chris finally called all 5 number Bosch gave us and none of them could be here for 3 days. Hello, my clothes are LOCKED in the washer.  We finally got someone to come out that afternoon.  I was so excited to see this man arrive and rescue my clothing that had now been held captive by my washer for more than 7 hours.  He told me it needed a new door lock/ unlock mechanism and it would be covered under warranty including the labor.  I just so happened to mention the disposal and he said he would take a look at it.  He was able to adjust the drainage line under the sink and then ran a cup of ice down the disposal.  It did not cost us a thing.  I was so excited.  God let my washer break (under warranty) so that this nice man would check out my disposal (no warranty).  God has a great sense of humor.

Lastly I have been having a hankering for some sewing.  Nothing major. I thought maybe a skirt for Makenna.  We were browsing the new fabric section at Wal-Mart and Makenna spotted some Princess material.  It was cute but it was almost $10 a yard. I told her not this time. then we walked past the remnant section and there it was, a princess remnant.  She begged, "mommy please." I thought $3 was worth it.  I winged the project from scratch and this is the finished product.

Needless to say she loved it and worn it 2 days in a row and asked me to wash it tonight so she could wear it again.

I have been amazed at how God has been showing himself in my life lately.  I have been asking Him to be real and I want to feel His presence in my life.  I look at all of this and think if He can have a hand in the small stuff then what big stuff can He do if I just let Him?

I am still a work in progress. Thankful God is listening and He is patient.

Yes folks I am alive (For Kim)

I have been wanting to blog for some time but either I just did not have the time or really did not feel like it. I have been battling thyroid issues again. Since the birth of Emme, my medication has been changed 5 times. She was the first baby that I ever had to have my meds adjusted during pregnancy so maybe this is all apart of that. Not really sure what that is. Needless to say I have not been feeling myself. Most of the time my meds have to be increased but over the past month I have been feeling like I did when it was hyper some 18 years ago. My hair is falling out by the handful, my wick is much much shorter, and I always feel like I am at a state of anticipation. I am stuck in "FLIGHT" mode. I do not like it and neither does my family. I have been on my knees alot not only praying but for forgiveness from my 2 and 5 year old. It is hard to get down and apologize and ask for forgiveness from them, I am the mommy. It should be the other way around. But it is not. I have lashed out wrongly and it is my duty to be responsible for my actions just like I expect them.  It is pretty humbling to look into there eyes and hear them say, "mommy I forgive you." So I finally took action. I was two weeks from getting my meds checked again but I would torture my family no longer. I made an appt and guess what? My meds were too high. I am slowing feeling the change and my family is seeing the difference.

My other issue is fear. I am a perfectionist and I worry when things are not perfect. I worry about just about everything. I cover it rather well in public but Chris and Christ know the real me. I have been dealing with this for 10 years now but it always worsens after I have a kid. Probably hormonal. My mom sent me an awesome book called, "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurand and it really opened my eyes to my fear. It is a very easy read and more driven for a younger audience but I loved it.  I learned to have to let go and let God lead you down the path He has chosen not the one I want. Things will not always go my way and at times will be painful and sad but it is all apart of letting Him be in control.  I want to be able to take my fears head on but I cannot when I loose focus.  I was reading Makenna her Bible tonight and it was the story of Jesus walking on water.  It really spoke to me even though I have heard it hundreds of times. When Peter lost focus on Jesus was when he began to sink. It was only when he kept is eyes on Jesus was he able to walk on the waves that had initially taunted him. Even greater was that the disciples were afraid of the waves on board the boat but Jesus conquered the waves.  Meaning Jesus can conquer my fears.  I know it is a long road but I am a work in progress. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:5-7  "He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sendth rain on the just and the unjust" Matt 4:44-46  I am making small changes, slowly.  Most important I have been getting up an hour earlier to read my Bible and pray before I start my day.. I was reading a book where a man said he wanted to read and pray before breakfast to show God that his spiritual food was more important that his physical food.  I think it is doing well for me. Or should I say God is doing well within me.

On another note. Makenna started first grade 3 weeks ago. On the first day she looked at me and said, "Am I having fun yet?"  I chuckled.  One day that child will grow a filter. I hope.  Are days are pretty scheduled except for Monday when she has piano.  Lately we have been baking each day. I am showing her fractions on the measuring cups  and teaching her how to work the oven and microwave. So far we have made chocolate cupcakes with buttercream icing, chocolate chip muffins and brownies.  All homemade and from scratch.  She loves it.  She said, "Mommy I think I am the best baker in the world."  The secret is that I love it too and the bond between us is stronger than ever. It is all about turning our hearts toward our children. 

cracked her own egg!!

Her curriculum is My Father's World first grade and Saxon math first grade.  It has alot of fun activities like an ant farm, making scrolls, and planting plants.  She really likes the hands on fun over the worksheets. Chris said man I wish school was this fun when I went.  I agree.  We read in the afternoons while Emme and Maddax are napping (thank you God for Naps, at the same time). She read to me and then I read to her a chapter book and ask her questions. I have been reading her a book called, "Winter with the Moody's" by Sarah Maxwell.  She was a homeschooled child and there are alot of similarities in her book as to our days.  It also gives us ideas on new things to try.  I think I am more eager to hear the next chapter of the story that her at times.

The rest of the house is always changing as well. Chris got a detective position, Maddax conquered potty training, and Emme is rocking on all fours.  Maddax is very excited about being potty trained.  We were outside drawing on the driveway with chalks the other morning and he wanted me to trace his body.  I did as he asked and then told him to decorate it.  I turned around to his sweet little voice saying, "look I potty." He had drawn himself going pee-pee.  Makenna and I cracked up.  He is always offering up a good laugh.

I hope to be back here again soon.

Growing Up

Emme is growing up so fast. It is bittersweet. I love that she smiles and laughs now but I miss the littleness (is that a word). She is nearing 15 pounds at 14 weeks. A chunk. I love all her rolls. All my kiddos have been chunky monkey's and they start to slim down when they get mobile. I thought it would cause them to be slower with all the extra weight but Makenna walked at 9 months. Maddax was over a year but that was because he was mister laid back. Needless to say I know her rolls are temporary so I squeeze them as much as I can. That is one of my moms favorite part about my kiddos. She loves to pinch their rolls. She has not seen Emme since she was 2 weeks old so she will have alot more to pinch when she comes in for Jeffs wedding in June.

We are finally in our groove. Do not get me wrong everyday has its own challenges, if not with Emme then with the other two. But I am learning to just roll with the punches. The best part is that after a little tough love Emme now sleeps from 7pm to 8am with a dream feed at 11pm. Oh sleep how I have missed you. It is wonderful. She goes to sleep sucking her thumb. I love it. She is my first thumb sucker and I am excited to know I do not have to hunt for pacy's in the middle of the night or purchase 9 pacy's so that if one gets lost the back up is close at hand.

God is constantly reminding me how inadequate I am as a mother without his help. Some days I get truly overwhelmed and I can only rely on his strength to get me through. I know tomorrow is a new day and we can start anew. I have learned so much about myself by being a mother. I never mew I was impatient till I had kids. I never knew I was selfish till I had kids.  To name a few. But in noticing my issues I am learning how to manage them and drawing closer to God in the process.

We are loving life despite all this rain we have been having. It is kinda like life. If we did not have a little rain how could we ever truly love the sunshine. Well I am hankering for some sunshine and I plan to soak as much of it up as I can when it finally arrives.

Makenna is the best little helper with Emme.

Tornado Warning

I have the hardest time remembering which is worse a watch or a warning so I just think the shorter word is first and the longer is second so it is worse. I know, I am truly weird. However, I like most of you, I experienced both of these today.

Chris called and told me bad weather was coming so I was prepared. He made it off duty in time to be with us for the tornado warning when it hit or little town. I grabbed pillows and blankets and gathered my chicks to the middle house bathroom. One of the downsides to moving here was giving up or basement which I gently informed Chris I would rather not give up the next time we move. Anyway, we got into the tiny bathroom and waited. Chris spent most of the time in and out checking the weather outside, on the news and reports from dispatch over his hand held radio.  At other times he rested from working since 3 am.

I was perched on the potty, no not using it but very convenient if needed, corralling Maddax and Makenna. We all prayed together for God safety and protection, not only for us but all of those in the storm today.  After a few songs and such Makenna announced that we needed to pray again. I asked her for what and she said, "For Emme's safety in monnies belly during the tormato." I thought that was awfully sweet  and so she prayed. I and Chris were moved by such a selfless act of our little 4 almost 5 year old.

Sometimes God speaks so oddly to us. This time it was seeing our little girl think of others in a trying time. She was more concerned for her unborn sisters safety than her own. No wonder God wants us to have the faith of a child and tells us that to such is the kingdom of Heaven.

Sharing a thought

I have been doing a Beth Moore Bible study called A Woman's Heart and I read a scripture tonight that blew me away and wanted to share it with you.

"For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."   Jer 29:11

God thinks about me. I never really thought about it but I guess I figured after all was said and done and things were in motion that He really did not do much thinking, especially of me. But he does. I find some huge peace and release in reading that scripture. Amazing how it has always been there but it never reached out and bit me like it did tonight.

His Grace is Sufficient

I have been on a bit of a roller-coaster these past few weeks.  So I have been far from distracted to blog. Sorry.

I found out I was pregnant  on May 14.  We had not planned on trying until August but I guess Destin got the best of both of us.  Yes Bridget, you were right. I started having right sided pain so the OB wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure it was not ectopic.  None was visualized but wanted to do a follow up ultrasound in one week to recheck everything.  So I went back on May 25.  Repeat ultrasound showed a 5 week and 1 day embryo baby and according to my last period it should have been 6 weeks and one day.  The doc said only 25% of these pregnancies last and wanted to recheck again in one week to see if there was a heartbeat. If not then he wanted to schedule me for a D&C. I told him I had recently quit nursing and that my cycles were not textbook. He offered me a little more hope.  I had been through this before I had Makenna.  I lost a 9 week old pregnancy with a baby that had not survived 5 weeks gestation.  All those old feelings came rushing back and Chris was quick to hold me tight.  I told the doc that we would just have to put it in God's hands and he reassuringly said it always is anyways.

We spent the last week praying that not my will but His will be done.  That God and God alone knew what was best for this little angel and that we trusted whatever decision he made.  Deep down inside I really did not want to travel down that road again.  It was a very painful experience but it allowed me to minister to other girls who had miscarriages after I did. I was able to help them heal though my pain.  So I knew even in my sorrow God was glorified. Romans 8:28 still rings clear, "All things work together for the good of those who are the called according to his purpose."

Yesterday Chris and I went to the appointment with trust in our hearts.  The Ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a baby exactly one week older than last.  Thank you Jesus was all I could say.  Then I told the doc I would jump up and hug him if I had clothes on.  He chuckled.  The only answer is that my ovulation is off due to the nursing and that I am 6 weeks and some change.  That made Chris a little more happy because when I told him I was pregnant and how far along I thought I was he said, "How did that happen?"  With the new tracking via the ultrasound he knew how it happened.

So now we are just praising God for his love and power on top of feeling the common ailments of the first trimester.  I have barely made it off the couch for the past week.  Chris has been playing Mr. Mom but reminds me, "Honey I am not cut out for this." And I think he was secretly glad to go back to work. I am slowly doing better with my 2 new best friends on board. Phenagren and Zofran. Love them!!!!

We have a few added stresses though. Maddax caught strep last week and it has progressed in to diarrhea and a low grade temp.  And if that were not enough Makenna has been sick since Sunday with a cold/allergy ordeal that leaves her coughing and snotting.  I think God is just upping  my patience to prepare me for number three to arrive Jan 23, 2011.

I am so thankful that God will never leave us or forsake us because right now He is my sanity!!!

Through this whole process I kept hearing the words to the song, "His grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect when I am weak. All that I cling to I lay at his feet. His grace is sufficient for me."

Your sleep will be sweet....

For those of you who know me well you know that my little munchkin Makenna has been struggling with night terrors since she was 18 months of age.  They would vary in severity from lasting 10 minutes to hours on end.  The worst ones seems to follow huge changes in our family's life. 

We had recently moved to Oldham county and soon followed the birth of Maddax when she woke one night screaming that she was being chased by none other than ducks.  We had been out feeding ducks earlier that day and that is what her mind decided to resort back to.  I kid you not that it lasted over 4 hours.  I being sleep deprived from nursing Maddax through the night handled it all wrong.  I tried to wake her up and the more scared she got the angrier I got.  I tried rocking her, reassuring her, holding her, but nothing worked. Nana and daddy were there and were eagerly trying to help. Everytime I pur her down she would take off running and screaming down the hall that the ducks were chasing her and trying to bite her.  My mother finally came up with the idea to turn on a movie to try to redirect her thinking.  It worked. We watched Cowboy Elmo at least 4 times beofre she fell asleep.  Generally she does not recall any of her night terrors but this one she did and in the morning she remembered the ducks.  When she went to get up off the couch and her gown touched her leg, she screamed and jumped back on the couch.  It was her nightgown that kept precipitating the night terror.  She thought the touching of her gown was the ducks pecking her leg. 

We thought we had knocked this one only to have another that evening about a butterfly on her ear.  She was terrified about this butterfly and woke up screaming for hours again.  Our savior agian was Elmo.  We found out agian that it was her hair tickling her ear.  So that night we pulled her hair up and she wore pants.  She continued to have night terrors  about 2-3 times a week until we finally moved into our house in August.  Then they dropped to 1-2 times a week and were less severe.  This poor child had bags under her eyes from lack of sleep.  She would not nap in the day and by night time she was so tired that she would have another terror. Extreme fatigue can facilitate night terrors as well as not staying on a schedule.  We tried it all and with no avail they continued.

At our last house I have written on her wall a Bible verse that I once again wrote on her wall at this house. 

It was a promise that I was ever so tightly clinging to. 

Last week she awoke at around 11:00 with another mild night terror.  I have learned to just offer what she needs and not try to wake her up or talk her out of them.  This one she wanted to be held but just continued to babble and scream while hitting herself in the leg.  As I held her there a peace came over me.  I started singing "Holy Spirit thou art welcome in this place, Holy Spirit thou art welcome in this place, omnipotent Father of mercy and grace, thou art welcome in this place" in my head.  I began to pray in the Spirit for her and started speaking scripture to my heavenly Father.  The more I prayed the quieter she became and eventually fell asleep in my arms.  I hugged her and kissed her and laid her in her bed.  Little did I know this would be the last night terror she would experience.  She has not had another in over 7 days. Praise God. 

I know you are thinking why did I not try praying before? I did, but I was like Moses in Exodus when he was talking to God.  God told him that he would not continue with them toward  the promised land because the Isrealites were a stiffnecked people.  Then Moses said Lord I can not go without you.  God said okay I will go. However, Moses just knew God would not go with them that he kept on going on and on about God not going with them.  He was so sure God would not agree with him that he missed God saying OK.  (Exodus 33:1-17 paraphrased) I think this was how I was.  I was so sure that God would not hear my prayer that the night terrors continued. This time I just let the Holy Spirit move and let my faith in God pour out. And what do ya know but God answers prayers.  I am so thankful for this little girl getting the much needed sleep she needs. God is so good.

So how is your garden?

Took a zoo trip today with the family.  Maddax second trip, but first with mommy.  While we were there, walking past the elephants, we heard this annoying sound.  There was a man behind us speaking to his wife in a very loud so nice voice. Chris and I noticed it about the same time and turned to see this "not very not nice", as Makenna calls him, fella.  What was most shoking was not the look of the fella but of his shirt.  He was belittling his wife in public while wearing a shirt that said, "JESUS ROCKS."

"...for a tree is known by his fruit." Matt 12:33   His fruit definitely did not match his shirt.

This got me to thinking.  How is my fruit? 

Last week at church the preacher spoke about this very thing.  He talked about how people are always wanting to grow the "Fruits of the Spirit" but are not preparing their garden for the seeds.  How can we grown the Fruits of the Spirit if our garden is over-grown with weeds.  He went on to say that we can pray all we want for the fruit to love our wife (eg) but if all we are doing is watering the weeds of lust, they will choke out any chance the fruit of love has to grow.  A lightbulb went off. (doesn't happen alot)

I have been praying for more patience and self-control lately, especially with Makenna and homeschooling, but I forgot to weed out my garden first. Dugh!! I have been watering bitterness and self-pity instead of using the power of the Holy Spirit to uproot them.  Yeah at times I pluck them out with a prayer here and there but I have never really dug into the soil and pulled them out by the roots. Why you might ask? It is painful and surely not any fun.  Kinda like weeding the garden in the spring to prepare for flowers.

Now that I realize how to prepare my garden, how can I make my fruit grow to its fullest.

"Every branch that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit."  John 15:2

So now I am going to be pruned!!!! Ahhhhh!!! It makes me think of two things.  First pruning is painful and second reminds me of my mom talking about mums.  She tells me that if I want the fullest (most fruit) flowers from my mums that I have to pinch off their first blooms. Eventhough the first blooms are pretty I have to pluck it bare to reap the greatest benefit. The flower must go through a time of "ugliness" to reach its fullest potential.  Just like us.  Some of the pruning God will allow us to go through is down right ugly and painful but the rewards of our fruit are beyond what we could ever imagine. 

So what am I getting to. 

First we are to be know by are fruits and we should want to be bountiful.
Second when we do this "...by this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit..." John 15:8

Isn't that why we are here? Isa 43:7 "Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."

I do not know about you but I want to glorify my maker by a bountiful harvest of the Fruits of the Spirit in my life.  On top of that I want to show my daughter and son, by example not by words, the life that glorifies the Lord.  And I want to be able to explain to them that mommy is far, way way way (did I say way?) far, from perfect but through the power of pruning she shows "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Gal 5:22

So...How is your garden?