I have been wanting to blog for some time but either I just did not have the time or really did not feel like it. I have been battling thyroid issues again. Since the birth of Emme, my medication has been changed 5 times. She was the first baby that I ever had to have my meds adjusted during pregnancy so maybe this is all apart of that. Not really sure what that is. Needless to say I have not been feeling myself. Most of the time my meds have to be increased but over the past month I have been feeling like I did when it was hyper some 18 years ago. My hair is falling out by the handful, my wick is much much shorter, and I always feel like I am at a state of anticipation. I am stuck in "FLIGHT" mode. I do not like it and neither does my family. I have been on my knees alot not only praying but for forgiveness from my 2 and 5 year old. It is hard to get down and apologize and ask for forgiveness from them, I am the mommy. It should be the other way around. But it is not. I have lashed out wrongly and it is my duty to be responsible for my actions just like I expect them. It is pretty humbling to look into there eyes and hear them say, "mommy I forgive you." So I finally took action. I was two weeks from getting my meds checked again but I would torture my family no longer. I made an appt and guess what? My meds were too high. I am slowing feeling the change and my family is seeing the difference.
My other issue is fear. I am a perfectionist and I worry when things are not perfect. I worry about just about everything. I cover it rather well in public but Chris and Christ know the real me. I have been dealing with this for 10 years now but it always worsens after I have a kid. Probably hormonal. My mom sent me an awesome book called, "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurand and it really opened my eyes to my fear. It is a very easy read and more driven for a younger audience but I loved it. I learned to have to let go and let God lead you down the path He has chosen not the one I want. Things will not always go my way and at times will be painful and sad but it is all apart of letting Him be in control. I want to be able to take my fears head on but I cannot when I loose focus. I was reading Makenna her Bible tonight and it was the story of Jesus walking on water. It really spoke to me even though I have heard it hundreds of times. When Peter lost focus on Jesus was when he began to sink. It was only when he kept is eyes on Jesus was he able to walk on the waves that had initially taunted him. Even greater was that the disciples were afraid of the waves on board the boat but Jesus conquered the waves. Meaning Jesus can conquer my fears. I know it is a long road but I am a work in progress. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:5-7 "He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sendth rain on the just and the unjust" Matt 4:44-46 I am making small changes, slowly. Most important I have been getting up an hour earlier to read my Bible and pray before I start my day.. I was reading a book where a man said he wanted to read and pray before breakfast to show God that his spiritual food was more important that his physical food. I think it is doing well for me. Or should I say God is doing well within me.
On another note. Makenna started first grade 3 weeks ago. On the first day she looked at me and said, "Am I having fun yet?" I chuckled. One day that child will grow a filter. I hope. Are days are pretty scheduled except for Monday when she has piano. Lately we have been baking each day. I am showing her fractions on the measuring cups and teaching her how to work the oven and microwave. So far we have made chocolate cupcakes with buttercream icing, chocolate chip muffins and brownies. All homemade and from scratch. She loves it. She said, "Mommy I think I am the best baker in the world." The secret is that I love it too and the bond between us is stronger than ever. It is all about turning our hearts toward our children.
cracked her own egg!!
Her curriculum is My Father's World first grade and Saxon math first grade. It has alot of fun activities like an ant farm, making scrolls, and planting plants. She really likes the hands on fun over the worksheets. Chris said man I wish school was this fun when I went. I agree. We read in the afternoons while Emme and Maddax are napping (thank you God for Naps, at the same time). She read to me and then I read to her a chapter book and ask her questions. I have been reading her a book called, "Winter with the Moody's" by Sarah Maxwell. She was a homeschooled child and there are alot of similarities in her book as to our days. It also gives us ideas on new things to try. I think I am more eager to hear the next chapter of the story that her at times.
The rest of the house is always changing as well. Chris got a detective position, Maddax conquered potty training, and Emme is rocking on all fours. Maddax is very excited about being potty trained. We were outside drawing on the driveway with chalks the other morning and he wanted me to trace his body. I did as he asked and then told him to decorate it. I turned around to his sweet little voice saying, "look I potty." He had drawn himself going pee-pee. Makenna and I cracked up. He is always offering up a good laugh.
I hope to be back here again soon.
