Gods hidden agenda

I had a recent medical scare that I have been debating on blogging about, not because of me but to share the uncommon ways God can use us.

About 3 months ago I had a really sore lymph node come up under my left arm.  I had recently had a sinus issues so I chalked it up to my body fighting off that virus.  Needless to say it continued to stay sore and at times throb.  I tried to put it out of my mind thinking it was all in my head but being in the medical field the worst always came to mind.  I finally gave in and decided to have it checked out, especially since my deductible had been met for the year.  She felt it and said she wanted to have it ultrasounded.  Of course all kinds of thoughts flooded my mind.  I kept repeating scripture in my head to try to control my emotions.  The ones I thought of the most were; "I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7" and "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:10-12 "

I dreaded the next days anticipating the worst but hoping for the best.  I took a lot of my fear and turned it into frustration, wrongfully attacking Chris.  Finally the night before I was sitting on the couch looking at the Christmas tree and said, "Lord I submit to your perfect will."  I felt a immense feeling of peace come over me. I knew regardless, everything was going to be okay.  I told God that whoever I met the next day during my ultrasound I would tell them about Him.

Chris went with me to the appointment after dropping the kids off.  I was called back by a young lady in her late 30's. She introduced herself and began asking questions about the lump. Somehow we got on the topic of what I did for a living and told her I was a physical therapist but now only worked PRN so I could stay at home and homeschool my children.  She was intrigued and stated she had wanted to homeschool her son but came down with a very deadly and aggressive cancer that took up a lot of her life.  She asked why I homeschool and I proceeded to tell her that my husband and I are Christians and that we want to develop the character of Christ in our children in all we do even in their education.  She lit up and said I am a christian too.  We talked about God and our child rearing beliefs for the next 45 minutes as she scanned my underarm and chest. I was at peace the whole time.

She finished and said that she would have the doctor read it before I left so that I could have some peace.  She returned with the report that all was normal.  I have 2 lymph nodes that are sore and most likely related to nursing.  My heart leaped for joy with the good news.  She told me to put my clothes on and then knock on the door to let her know I was done.  I was so moved by her that I just had to tell her what had transpired over the past few days and that I felt God put her there for me on this day. 

When she came back I proceeded to tell her how thankful I was for her and how I felt that God placed her there at her job on this day to provide me comfort.  She began to fight back tears and say that she had not felt the presence of God in a long time and thoughout our interaction she kept feeling Him touch her.  We both were fighting back tears and just reached out and began hugging one another.  She told me how she had a PET scan the week before and came to grips that if it was her time she was ready.  It all came back clear.  We praised God, the great physician, together.  I think we hugged 3 times before I left and she gave me her cell phone number.

I am still at awe of how mighty God is and how He works.  Was she there for me or was I there for her?  If I had not submitted to God and his leading me to speak of Him would she have experienced His presence that she so desperately needed? 

Being an instrument of God is not always fun and smiles.  He can use the most fearful moment of your life to not only touch you but to use you to touch someone else.  I am learning to listen a little more intently to God and His perfect will.  I am so thankful I did.  I was blessed beyond measure.

Yes folks I am alive (For Kim)

I have been wanting to blog for some time but either I just did not have the time or really did not feel like it. I have been battling thyroid issues again. Since the birth of Emme, my medication has been changed 5 times. She was the first baby that I ever had to have my meds adjusted during pregnancy so maybe this is all apart of that. Not really sure what that is. Needless to say I have not been feeling myself. Most of the time my meds have to be increased but over the past month I have been feeling like I did when it was hyper some 18 years ago. My hair is falling out by the handful, my wick is much much shorter, and I always feel like I am at a state of anticipation. I am stuck in "FLIGHT" mode. I do not like it and neither does my family. I have been on my knees alot not only praying but for forgiveness from my 2 and 5 year old. It is hard to get down and apologize and ask for forgiveness from them, I am the mommy. It should be the other way around. But it is not. I have lashed out wrongly and it is my duty to be responsible for my actions just like I expect them.  It is pretty humbling to look into there eyes and hear them say, "mommy I forgive you." So I finally took action. I was two weeks from getting my meds checked again but I would torture my family no longer. I made an appt and guess what? My meds were too high. I am slowing feeling the change and my family is seeing the difference.

My other issue is fear. I am a perfectionist and I worry when things are not perfect. I worry about just about everything. I cover it rather well in public but Chris and Christ know the real me. I have been dealing with this for 10 years now but it always worsens after I have a kid. Probably hormonal. My mom sent me an awesome book called, "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurand and it really opened my eyes to my fear. It is a very easy read and more driven for a younger audience but I loved it.  I learned to have to let go and let God lead you down the path He has chosen not the one I want. Things will not always go my way and at times will be painful and sad but it is all apart of letting Him be in control.  I want to be able to take my fears head on but I cannot when I loose focus.  I was reading Makenna her Bible tonight and it was the story of Jesus walking on water.  It really spoke to me even though I have heard it hundreds of times. When Peter lost focus on Jesus was when he began to sink. It was only when he kept is eyes on Jesus was he able to walk on the waves that had initially taunted him. Even greater was that the disciples were afraid of the waves on board the boat but Jesus conquered the waves.  Meaning Jesus can conquer my fears.  I know it is a long road but I am a work in progress. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:5-7  "He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sendth rain on the just and the unjust" Matt 4:44-46  I am making small changes, slowly.  Most important I have been getting up an hour earlier to read my Bible and pray before I start my day.. I was reading a book where a man said he wanted to read and pray before breakfast to show God that his spiritual food was more important that his physical food.  I think it is doing well for me. Or should I say God is doing well within me.

On another note. Makenna started first grade 3 weeks ago. On the first day she looked at me and said, "Am I having fun yet?"  I chuckled.  One day that child will grow a filter. I hope.  Are days are pretty scheduled except for Monday when she has piano.  Lately we have been baking each day. I am showing her fractions on the measuring cups  and teaching her how to work the oven and microwave. So far we have made chocolate cupcakes with buttercream icing, chocolate chip muffins and brownies.  All homemade and from scratch.  She loves it.  She said, "Mommy I think I am the best baker in the world."  The secret is that I love it too and the bond between us is stronger than ever. It is all about turning our hearts toward our children. 

cracked her own egg!!

Her curriculum is My Father's World first grade and Saxon math first grade.  It has alot of fun activities like an ant farm, making scrolls, and planting plants.  She really likes the hands on fun over the worksheets. Chris said man I wish school was this fun when I went.  I agree.  We read in the afternoons while Emme and Maddax are napping (thank you God for Naps, at the same time). She read to me and then I read to her a chapter book and ask her questions. I have been reading her a book called, "Winter with the Moody's" by Sarah Maxwell.  She was a homeschooled child and there are alot of similarities in her book as to our days.  It also gives us ideas on new things to try.  I think I am more eager to hear the next chapter of the story that her at times.

The rest of the house is always changing as well. Chris got a detective position, Maddax conquered potty training, and Emme is rocking on all fours.  Maddax is very excited about being potty trained.  We were outside drawing on the driveway with chalks the other morning and he wanted me to trace his body.  I did as he asked and then told him to decorate it.  I turned around to his sweet little voice saying, "look I potty." He had drawn himself going pee-pee.  Makenna and I cracked up.  He is always offering up a good laugh.

I hope to be back here again soon.

So tired

Well I never officially made it out of my pajamas today. I did change shirts once due to a spit up episode but returned to my original shirt since Emme was in the closet napping. I do not think I stink and Chris is at work so it really does not matter. Right? So much keeps me busy throughout the day that by the time I get a chance to change clothes it is time for bed.  Plus my thyroid has been a little haywire since Emme's birth so I am going from Taz to Sloth as they try to get it regulated again. Lately I have been extra tired. My meds were upped a few days ago and I am looking forward to that extra burst of energy it will bring. Soon I hope.

We have been trying to catch up on school stuff since the new baby rocked our world for a few months. So Makenna has been doing extra grammar and penmanship in the day and tonight we knocked out 4 math lessons. Its not like we have to get them done since by law she does not have to be in school yet but we are trying to get kindergarten done so we can start the first grade curriculum in August. She is so looking forward to it, as am I once I figure it all out. I am so glad for the most part that she loves school. I know she does way more than I did. I try to make it fun for her so that she wants to learn. The math we are doing is Saxon and it uses all kinds of fun toys to learn like tanagrams, linking cubes, and geoboards to name a few. I probably would have liked school more if I had those to learn with.

We finally found Emme's neck today. It did not stay around for long but at least now we know it exists. She is laughing more and loves to be talked to. I am so psyched for my mom to see her and squeeze her. Only 6 more weeks.  The red cast to her hair is becoming more pronounced as it grows out. Chris keeps asking where she gets it. I told him that my brother and an aunt had red in their hair. He is still not buying it.

By the way...I am going to be an aunt again.  My sister is pregnant and due in November. I am so excited for her and that Emme will have a cousin about the same age. I hope I can offer her as much help as she has given me over the past five years.

My Little Learner

Three days a week Makenna attends a local pre-school.  She gets up gets ready and walks all the way there.  Just so happens it is in our kitchen.  I have been homeschooling Makenna now for 6 months and I love it.  I am using a cirriculum call "My Fathers World" and she loves it too. We learn a new letter every 5 days and over those 5 days we learn new things about each letter like its sound, how to write it, how to sign it, how it makes words, etc.  There is also a math and science component to each lesson.  One day for the letter L we were studying leaves and she had to go out and get 5 leaves to trace and color. It was raining.  So we pulled out rain boots and an umbrella and out she went.  I think raining made it oh so much more fun for her.

Her least favorite part of school is penmenship so I make her do a little everyday.  She does not like for me to watch over her shoulder so she asks me to go do my hair so she can do it all by herself.  Then she comes running to me to show her hard work.  I am so glad she has a passion to learn.  I never really enjoyed learning. In fact I do not remember studying much till I reached college. So I am trying to make her enjoy our time together.

(I wrote her name)

I have learned alot about myself through teaching her.  Things like I want excellance and that is not the desire I want to want.  I want to show her the character of Christ in all I do and I am pretty sure he was not the best at penmenship.  My patience has been ever stretched at times by her persistance on how to hold the pencil or the distractability that is natural to a 4 year old.  That is when we close up shop for the day and try again the next.  I am teaching a Kindergarden cirr to a pre-schooler so she is going to evolve more slowly that a 5-6 year old. I do not wish to push her to burn out.  God is using this experience to refine me and though at times I may not have a "HAPPY HEART" I am reminded that His grace is sufficient for me.