Gods hidden agenda

I had a recent medical scare that I have been debating on blogging about, not because of me but to share the uncommon ways God can use us.

About 3 months ago I had a really sore lymph node come up under my left arm.  I had recently had a sinus issues so I chalked it up to my body fighting off that virus.  Needless to say it continued to stay sore and at times throb.  I tried to put it out of my mind thinking it was all in my head but being in the medical field the worst always came to mind.  I finally gave in and decided to have it checked out, especially since my deductible had been met for the year.  She felt it and said she wanted to have it ultrasounded.  Of course all kinds of thoughts flooded my mind.  I kept repeating scripture in my head to try to control my emotions.  The ones I thought of the most were; "I did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7" and "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:10-12 "

I dreaded the next days anticipating the worst but hoping for the best.  I took a lot of my fear and turned it into frustration, wrongfully attacking Chris.  Finally the night before I was sitting on the couch looking at the Christmas tree and said, "Lord I submit to your perfect will."  I felt a immense feeling of peace come over me. I knew regardless, everything was going to be okay.  I told God that whoever I met the next day during my ultrasound I would tell them about Him.

Chris went with me to the appointment after dropping the kids off.  I was called back by a young lady in her late 30's. She introduced herself and began asking questions about the lump. Somehow we got on the topic of what I did for a living and told her I was a physical therapist but now only worked PRN so I could stay at home and homeschool my children.  She was intrigued and stated she had wanted to homeschool her son but came down with a very deadly and aggressive cancer that took up a lot of her life.  She asked why I homeschool and I proceeded to tell her that my husband and I are Christians and that we want to develop the character of Christ in our children in all we do even in their education.  She lit up and said I am a christian too.  We talked about God and our child rearing beliefs for the next 45 minutes as she scanned my underarm and chest. I was at peace the whole time.

She finished and said that she would have the doctor read it before I left so that I could have some peace.  She returned with the report that all was normal.  I have 2 lymph nodes that are sore and most likely related to nursing.  My heart leaped for joy with the good news.  She told me to put my clothes on and then knock on the door to let her know I was done.  I was so moved by her that I just had to tell her what had transpired over the past few days and that I felt God put her there for me on this day. 

When she came back I proceeded to tell her how thankful I was for her and how I felt that God placed her there at her job on this day to provide me comfort.  She began to fight back tears and say that she had not felt the presence of God in a long time and thoughout our interaction she kept feeling Him touch her.  We both were fighting back tears and just reached out and began hugging one another.  She told me how she had a PET scan the week before and came to grips that if it was her time she was ready.  It all came back clear.  We praised God, the great physician, together.  I think we hugged 3 times before I left and she gave me her cell phone number.

I am still at awe of how mighty God is and how He works.  Was she there for me or was I there for her?  If I had not submitted to God and his leading me to speak of Him would she have experienced His presence that she so desperately needed? 

Being an instrument of God is not always fun and smiles.  He can use the most fearful moment of your life to not only touch you but to use you to touch someone else.  I am learning to listen a little more intently to God and His perfect will.  I am so thankful I did.  I was blessed beyond measure.

Creating New Memories

Chris had to go out of town last week for work and it was kind of last minute thing.  I had been sick with a cough and allergies and therefore not feeling like doing it alone, but did not have a choice.  Makenna asked if we could have a special night since daddy was gone. Sounded like a good idea to me. So we had bowls of popcorn for dinner and homemade lemonade.  We opened up a big blanket on the living room floor and ate picnic style while enjoying Veggie Tale movies. 

The kids wanted to sleep with me, which was fine give that I am a scaredy cat.  I double checked all the doors and made sure my guns were loaded. Really! I did not sleep all that well given my king size bed was somewhat crowded with two very wild sleeping children.  On top of that they woke up giggling at 5:45 am. Really!  I told them to go get in their bed if they were going to stay awake.  They had no desire to bail out of the big warm bed so they finally went back to sleep till 8:45. Whew. It was a long two days but a very memorable one fore the kiddos. They had a blast.  We are still finding popcorn throughout the living room despite multiple cleanings.  It is driving Chris nuts.  Oh well, that is what he gets for leaving us. Right?

We have been enjoying these cooler days. We put the pool up till next year which left a huge sand pit in the backyard that both children have thoroughly enjoyed.  I do not mind them playing in it but there is a neighbors cat that has found a way under our fence and was caught meandering in it.  If it potties in it and Chris is home, I fear for its life.  

The kids have also fallen in love with the playset again.  The slide is cool enough to slide down and Makenna and I hunted out and destroyed all unwelcome occupants.  It was nice to go out and have a swing for each child.  Makenna can swing on her own now, Emme likes to chew on her swing, and Maddax well he is a boy and just cannot sit still.  I love it.  Lots of memories made in this back yard.  The best money we ever spent.

God Hears ALL Things

The other day I was just having some random thoughts. The first was my little man sure is mature for his age.  He listens so well when I am not in the room.  Let the pruning begin.  God like to use my children to prune me and teach me many things. Well not long after this thought we were doing school at the kitchen table with Makenna.  Maddax was coloring next to us. I look up and find Maddax chomping down on a crayon. He said, "Look mom it is nauqamarine." I found myself scraping and picking out crayon from his teeth for the next 10 minutes.  We finally got his teeth cleaned and our day went on. A couple hours later Makenna was practicing the piano and when she finished playing all her songs with both hands she asked for an M&M.  I told her she could have 2 and to give Maddax 2 for going potty earlier.  I hear her in the closet and then nothing else.  I proceed to walk through the living room and see Maddax sitting on the couch facing the corner.  I really did not think anything about it until I went to get in the closet and found M&M's scattered on the floor but the container was MIA.  I looked over at Maddax again to find him shoveling M&M's in his mouth.  I could not help but chuckle. Pretty smart move for the little guy. Needless to say I have been watching him extra closely lately. 

Then I have been dealing with a stinky disposal for some time.  We really did not want to shell out the money to have it fixed so I am constantly running frozen lemons down it to make it smell better.  We tried cleaner but after a day it is back.  We generally unplug the drain and walk away.  Well I had it the other day.  I told Chris I was calling a plumber the next day if he did not.  The next morning I was doing laundry and at the end of the wash cycle the door unlock signal went off 7 times. I new something was wrong.  The blinking light said E27. It was nowhere to be found in the manual so I googled it. Needless to say ti was "door lock/ unlock" error. Duh!!  I called Bosch and they said there is no reset button and I would have to contact someone to fix it.  Chris finally called all 5 number Bosch gave us and none of them could be here for 3 days. Hello, my clothes are LOCKED in the washer.  We finally got someone to come out that afternoon.  I was so excited to see this man arrive and rescue my clothing that had now been held captive by my washer for more than 7 hours.  He told me it needed a new door lock/ unlock mechanism and it would be covered under warranty including the labor.  I just so happened to mention the disposal and he said he would take a look at it.  He was able to adjust the drainage line under the sink and then ran a cup of ice down the disposal.  It did not cost us a thing.  I was so excited.  God let my washer break (under warranty) so that this nice man would check out my disposal (no warranty).  God has a great sense of humor.

Lastly I have been having a hankering for some sewing.  Nothing major. I thought maybe a skirt for Makenna.  We were browsing the new fabric section at Wal-Mart and Makenna spotted some Princess material.  It was cute but it was almost $10 a yard. I told her not this time. then we walked past the remnant section and there it was, a princess remnant.  She begged, "mommy please." I thought $3 was worth it.  I winged the project from scratch and this is the finished product.

Needless to say she loved it and worn it 2 days in a row and asked me to wash it tonight so she could wear it again.

I have been amazed at how God has been showing himself in my life lately.  I have been asking Him to be real and I want to feel His presence in my life.  I look at all of this and think if He can have a hand in the small stuff then what big stuff can He do if I just let Him?

I am still a work in progress. Thankful God is listening and He is patient.

Yes folks I am alive (For Kim)

I have been wanting to blog for some time but either I just did not have the time or really did not feel like it. I have been battling thyroid issues again. Since the birth of Emme, my medication has been changed 5 times. She was the first baby that I ever had to have my meds adjusted during pregnancy so maybe this is all apart of that. Not really sure what that is. Needless to say I have not been feeling myself. Most of the time my meds have to be increased but over the past month I have been feeling like I did when it was hyper some 18 years ago. My hair is falling out by the handful, my wick is much much shorter, and I always feel like I am at a state of anticipation. I am stuck in "FLIGHT" mode. I do not like it and neither does my family. I have been on my knees alot not only praying but for forgiveness from my 2 and 5 year old. It is hard to get down and apologize and ask for forgiveness from them, I am the mommy. It should be the other way around. But it is not. I have lashed out wrongly and it is my duty to be responsible for my actions just like I expect them.  It is pretty humbling to look into there eyes and hear them say, "mommy I forgive you." So I finally took action. I was two weeks from getting my meds checked again but I would torture my family no longer. I made an appt and guess what? My meds were too high. I am slowing feeling the change and my family is seeing the difference.

My other issue is fear. I am a perfectionist and I worry when things are not perfect. I worry about just about everything. I cover it rather well in public but Chris and Christ know the real me. I have been dealing with this for 10 years now but it always worsens after I have a kid. Probably hormonal. My mom sent me an awesome book called, "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurand and it really opened my eyes to my fear. It is a very easy read and more driven for a younger audience but I loved it.  I learned to have to let go and let God lead you down the path He has chosen not the one I want. Things will not always go my way and at times will be painful and sad but it is all apart of letting Him be in control.  I want to be able to take my fears head on but I cannot when I loose focus.  I was reading Makenna her Bible tonight and it was the story of Jesus walking on water.  It really spoke to me even though I have heard it hundreds of times. When Peter lost focus on Jesus was when he began to sink. It was only when he kept is eyes on Jesus was he able to walk on the waves that had initially taunted him. Even greater was that the disciples were afraid of the waves on board the boat but Jesus conquered the waves.  Meaning Jesus can conquer my fears.  I know it is a long road but I am a work in progress. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil 1:5-7  "He makes the sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sendth rain on the just and the unjust" Matt 4:44-46  I am making small changes, slowly.  Most important I have been getting up an hour earlier to read my Bible and pray before I start my day.. I was reading a book where a man said he wanted to read and pray before breakfast to show God that his spiritual food was more important that his physical food.  I think it is doing well for me. Or should I say God is doing well within me.

On another note. Makenna started first grade 3 weeks ago. On the first day she looked at me and said, "Am I having fun yet?"  I chuckled.  One day that child will grow a filter. I hope.  Are days are pretty scheduled except for Monday when she has piano.  Lately we have been baking each day. I am showing her fractions on the measuring cups  and teaching her how to work the oven and microwave. So far we have made chocolate cupcakes with buttercream icing, chocolate chip muffins and brownies.  All homemade and from scratch.  She loves it.  She said, "Mommy I think I am the best baker in the world."  The secret is that I love it too and the bond between us is stronger than ever. It is all about turning our hearts toward our children. 

cracked her own egg!!

Her curriculum is My Father's World first grade and Saxon math first grade.  It has alot of fun activities like an ant farm, making scrolls, and planting plants.  She really likes the hands on fun over the worksheets. Chris said man I wish school was this fun when I went.  I agree.  We read in the afternoons while Emme and Maddax are napping (thank you God for Naps, at the same time). She read to me and then I read to her a chapter book and ask her questions. I have been reading her a book called, "Winter with the Moody's" by Sarah Maxwell.  She was a homeschooled child and there are alot of similarities in her book as to our days.  It also gives us ideas on new things to try.  I think I am more eager to hear the next chapter of the story that her at times.

The rest of the house is always changing as well. Chris got a detective position, Maddax conquered potty training, and Emme is rocking on all fours.  Maddax is very excited about being potty trained.  We were outside drawing on the driveway with chalks the other morning and he wanted me to trace his body.  I did as he asked and then told him to decorate it.  I turned around to his sweet little voice saying, "look I potty." He had drawn himself going pee-pee.  Makenna and I cracked up.  He is always offering up a good laugh.

I hope to be back here again soon.

outside fun

Loving this weather. The kids and I have been trying to take a walk around the neighborhood once a day to get some vitamin D and exercise. Yes, I have successfully walked around our neighborhood with three children. One strapped to my chest, one on a teddy bear leash, and another on her bicycle. I never thought this day would come and it has. I am so proud of myself. I am usually exhausted after said trip especially carrying Miss 15 pounder on my chest. Whew.

We enjoyed some time out in the sprinkler today before the storm hit. Maddax is slowly warming up to water hitting him. I think he likes to go out in the yard and play long enough to need a bath. He loves to play in the bathtub. I caught him lying on his belly in the tub slurping down the water. Yuck. I hope this does not bring on any diarrhea.

They both love playing outside. I love having a fenced in backyard so they can run wild with me knowing they are safe.  Well except for what they could possibly do to each other.  I want our next house to have a fenced in back yard as well. I have gotten pretty attached to it.

Maddax enjoyed some OJ after playing outside while waiting for his turn in the tub.

Miss Emme liked lying on the floor.  She was just singing up a storm while hanging out there. I love listening to her talk.

Makenna requested pancakes for dinner. She ate three and Maddax ate two. Totally one pancake kids but I guess the sprinkler worked up a hunger. Then Makenna and I had a movie night. We eat and drink things that are really bad for you and enjoy an movie or two short cartoons. Her pick was Little Einstein tonight. Cute and educational. She knows what pianissimo is. He piano teacher would be pleased thanks to Leo, June, Quincy, and Annie. Oh and don't forget rocket.  She loves it when her and I do something with just the two of us. Me too. We finished up the night with her daily Bible story. She said, "Mom, can you read me the story about when God died."  I had to chuckle.  Oh baby, our God is not dead. He is alive!!!

God's Grace

Had an epiphany tonight. Makenna and I were reading her Bible and it was talking about God's grace. It said the meaning of grace was that God will always forgive you for what you have done wrong as long as you go to Him and ask for it. It made me step back and take a hard look at my parenting.

Makenna has pillows on her bed that my mom made that have strings on the bottom that tie it together. She for some reason is drawn to these pillows at rest time.  She somehow someway ends up undoing them. I get so frustrated with her about it that she now gets a consequence for undoing them. Now in the light of eternity this truly does not matter. It is the lesson of obeying. I get that, but what I do not get is that my attitude toward it does not show grace. She comes and asks for forgiveness and I remembering that this is a continued occurrence get frustrated with her yet again. Isn't it amazing that our Heavenly father does not get frustrated with us when we go to him for forgiveness again and again. I think about things that I struggle with and that I constantly stumble over trying to obey God. And every time he is so quick to forgive me and then the Bible says he forgets it like it never happened. I sit and think why can't I be like that.  Why? I am human in an imperfect world filled with sin. It is interesting how much you can learn from a children's Bible, not to mention the child you are reading it to. Thank you Makenna for always showing me the grace I do not deserve.

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's day just gets better every year. Now I have three beautiful babies to help me celebrate this day and one wonderful husband. Chris had to work Derby security that morning for some big to do party, so we did not get to see him till after nap times.  Makenna kept telling me daddy was taking me out to eat. I asked her where and she said "Marks Field." Which means "Marks feed store." I was glad. I love, love, love fried pickles. No I am not pregnant again. I found out later that Makenna chose the dining location. She loves their PBand J minus the J. Strange child does not like jelly. We had a good dinner together. The poor family behind us in the booth had two children about 6 and 3 and both of them spilt their water, all their water, while we were there. Chris said, "Man I thought we had it rough going out with 3." It is a little hard to dine out with three small children but we have learned to let the little things roll off our backs and just enjoy our time together. The biggest problem is that Miss Emme is not fond of her car seat, so most meals out include either Chris or I holding her. I do not mind, I know it is only for a season. One day I will wish I was able to hold her during a meal again, so I might as well enjoy it now. Right?

Chris had planned on a trip to Lowe's but that was usurped by my headache, so we came home and just hung out. As I have mentioned before, Emme likes to be talked to but likes it most when it is her daddy.

She will sit and listen or even carry on  a conversation for 10-15 minutes with him. She sure does love her daddy. We all do. He is a great daddy.

Last week we were having cabin fever because of the rain so I went and got out Emme's bathing suit to see if it would fit her. I was hankering for some sun and water activities. It fit but not sure how long. She looks so ready for summer. I hope she enjoys the water as much as her siblings.

After trying on the bathing suit and posing for the camera, Emme and Makenna were playing in the floor. I think Emme wants to do gymnastics. She seems to be practicing her back bend.

It was a great Mother's day. The best part was spending it all together.  I only wish that my mom was here to celebrate it too. Oh well have to do some extra trips to Graters to celebrate all the holidays since her last visit when she comes in to visit next month.

So tired

Well I never officially made it out of my pajamas today. I did change shirts once due to a spit up episode but returned to my original shirt since Emme was in the closet napping. I do not think I stink and Chris is at work so it really does not matter. Right? So much keeps me busy throughout the day that by the time I get a chance to change clothes it is time for bed.  Plus my thyroid has been a little haywire since Emme's birth so I am going from Taz to Sloth as they try to get it regulated again. Lately I have been extra tired. My meds were upped a few days ago and I am looking forward to that extra burst of energy it will bring. Soon I hope.

We have been trying to catch up on school stuff since the new baby rocked our world for a few months. So Makenna has been doing extra grammar and penmanship in the day and tonight we knocked out 4 math lessons. Its not like we have to get them done since by law she does not have to be in school yet but we are trying to get kindergarten done so we can start the first grade curriculum in August. She is so looking forward to it, as am I once I figure it all out. I am so glad for the most part that she loves school. I know she does way more than I did. I try to make it fun for her so that she wants to learn. The math we are doing is Saxon and it uses all kinds of fun toys to learn like tanagrams, linking cubes, and geoboards to name a few. I probably would have liked school more if I had those to learn with.

We finally found Emme's neck today. It did not stay around for long but at least now we know it exists. She is laughing more and loves to be talked to. I am so psyched for my mom to see her and squeeze her. Only 6 more weeks.  The red cast to her hair is becoming more pronounced as it grows out. Chris keeps asking where she gets it. I told him that my brother and an aunt had red in their hair. He is still not buying it.

By the way...I am going to be an aunt again.  My sister is pregnant and due in November. I am so excited for her and that Emme will have a cousin about the same age. I hope I can offer her as much help as she has given me over the past five years.

Growing Up

Emme is growing up so fast. It is bittersweet. I love that she smiles and laughs now but I miss the littleness (is that a word). She is nearing 15 pounds at 14 weeks. A chunk. I love all her rolls. All my kiddos have been chunky monkey's and they start to slim down when they get mobile. I thought it would cause them to be slower with all the extra weight but Makenna walked at 9 months. Maddax was over a year but that was because he was mister laid back. Needless to say I know her rolls are temporary so I squeeze them as much as I can. That is one of my moms favorite part about my kiddos. She loves to pinch their rolls. She has not seen Emme since she was 2 weeks old so she will have alot more to pinch when she comes in for Jeffs wedding in June.

We are finally in our groove. Do not get me wrong everyday has its own challenges, if not with Emme then with the other two. But I am learning to just roll with the punches. The best part is that after a little tough love Emme now sleeps from 7pm to 8am with a dream feed at 11pm. Oh sleep how I have missed you. It is wonderful. She goes to sleep sucking her thumb. I love it. She is my first thumb sucker and I am excited to know I do not have to hunt for pacy's in the middle of the night or purchase 9 pacy's so that if one gets lost the back up is close at hand.

God is constantly reminding me how inadequate I am as a mother without his help. Some days I get truly overwhelmed and I can only rely on his strength to get me through. I know tomorrow is a new day and we can start anew. I have learned so much about myself by being a mother. I never mew I was impatient till I had kids. I never knew I was selfish till I had kids.  To name a few. But in noticing my issues I am learning how to manage them and drawing closer to God in the process.

We are loving life despite all this rain we have been having. It is kinda like life. If we did not have a little rain how could we ever truly love the sunshine. Well I am hankering for some sunshine and I plan to soak as much of it up as I can when it finally arrives.

Makenna is the best little helper with Emme.

I am overwhelmed by how blessed I am as a mother. To have these three smiling faces look up to and love me like they do is truly amazing. Now life is not always sunshine and smiles. Yesterday was a smile. A big smile.

Makenna had her first piano recital. We had rehearsed her lines and her music over and over. She was ready. I was a nervous wreck. Not because she might fail but I did not want her to have the fear of failing. Failing is a part of life that we must all be apart of to grow but I did not want her to experience the anxiety associated with the mental possibility of failing. Needless to say I was so anxious that I skipped lunch.

We got to the church early to rehearse the steps, check out the piano, and get comfortable with the microphone. I saw it in her eyes the moment we walked in. She had this blank look on her face and she kept mumbling about trying to find the whole in her dress. I distracted her by taking her to the piano. She played her music to practice but did so without even looking at the music which causes her to mess up. I took her to the mic to practice and she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, "monnie are you going to come up her with me?" I took  a deep breath. While every inch of my body wanted to say yes, I told her no. She looked down at her feet and said, "Can I go sit in my chair now?" I wanted to cry.

She went and climbed in her chair and waited. Chris went over to talk to her and give her a pep talk that only daddy's can give. He came back and said, "She is ready."

The recital began and she was first. I was glad that she did not have to sit and wait for others to go and anticipate the anxiety of her turn. Ms. Neutz called her name and she got up and went to the mic. She did just as we rehearsed. Then she went to the piano. She played her 2 songs and looked at her music as she played. The went back to the mic said thank you and did her cute curtsy. I was brought to tears. She did beautifully. I have never been so proud to be her mamma. But what happened next impressed me even more. She sat in her chair for the next 2 hours while the other children played, without making a peep or squirming. I could not believe it. I had no idea she was capable of such self control. It was great to see that all the tears and praying of this job called parenting had finally paid off. God is so good.

Now on the other had we have Maddax. My 2 year old with OCD!! This child has become a perfectionist. At first it was cute. Closing drawers behind me. Emptying his trash can. Running the Shark in the kitchen. But then he started at night with his bed. If the blanket gets a wrinkle in it he hollers, "Fiss it." And he has a turtle that lights up stars on the ceiling and if it is not in the right place in his room he chants, "Turtle." There is a pillow in his rocking chair and if it is not sitting the right way in the chair he chants, "Pillow." This can go on for up to a half an hour or more. I was giving in and attempting to fix most things but I figured out I am only making things worse. Worse for me. I love this little boy but he has got to learn how to deal with imperfections. He reminds me alot of his uncle Jeff when we were kids. He turned out okay, I guess. LOL! But boy is that a rough road to travel on for both child and parent. So we are doing are best to fix it once and then let him try to adjust. It is a work in progress.

Now on to Emme. Sweet Emme sleeps in our closet. The house is just to rowdy with Makenna and Maddax to have her sleep anywhere else. We have tried. It works well except when we forget to get our clothes out. She is growing big and today she is 3 months old. Time is going by so fast. She smiles alot and loves to be talked to. She is a good baby except for these weird 45 min naps. Maddax and Makenna did it too so I am hoping she will outgrow it soon. We are still trying to find her neck. It seems to have disappears under one of her chins.

She has gone from butter bean to butter ball and I love every little fat roll she has. She is a joy and I am so glad to have been blessed with her sweet little spirit.

She will not smile when I am behind the camera.

Coming up for air

It has been awhile, again. Things in the Morris house are ever changing so I stay very busy.

Emerson has had a rough time of it. After living in denial for weeks I finally took her to the peds doc and got the conformation that she had "Reflux." Oh how I dreaded hearing the word roll out of the docs mouth. I wanted to get sick but after having two with it before I should have seen the signs. But then again it was probably in denial. Emme did not exhibit the signs as early as Maddax or Makenna so I will thinking we were in the clear. The doc says there is a familial component and since the others had it, as well as Chris when he was a baby, then that was the diagnosis. Poor little thing.

So we got the meds on board now and are finally seeing a change. She had a great day today. Praise God. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am thankful that each day is one less day with reflux and one day closer to a predictable happy baby.

I kept asking myself, "How does my kids having reflux glorify God?" I guess the only answer I can come up with is that reflux itself does not but how I respond to the situation does. I have to learn that His grace is sufficient enough for me. That can be really hard to do with a screaming baby. Beth Moore talks about Gods grace like the manna from heaven in the desert. It was there anew every morning but the Israelites had to get up and go get it in order to receive it. I cannot just expect God's grace to take over in chaos.  I have to go out and receive it and then trust Him in the mist of the chaos. Trust me I am still a work in progress. There are times that I run out scoop it up and trust and then there are times I just want to stay in my tent and cry, and cry, and cry. I know God sees my tears and he sees Emmes tears and he holds us close especially when we're in the storm. I just hate to see her suffer. God knows how I feel. He watched his only Son suffer so I would not. I am so undeserving and thankful. Only by His grace and His grace alone can I weather this storm.

I sure do love this little girl. 8 weeks and growing strong.

My Boy Turns Two

I know it is a little late. Maddax turned 2 on Thursday but free time is not like it used to be.

We got him up and started his day with chocolate doughnuts, his favorite. He was so excited.

Then he got two balloons, Elmo and Cars. Both of his favorite shows. And by favorite I mean walks around all the time repeated these characters. Makenna was a little jealous because she did not have balloons but we had to remind her that she got balloons on her birthday and Maddax did not. This is a concept that we had to repeat several times throughout the day.

Chris went out and bought Maddax a cake. I was to tired to make a cake like last year so Dairy Queen saved the day. We got him a Cars cake. He wanted to make sure he got the piece with Sally on it. She is his favorite Cars character.  Makenna on the other hand wanted to eat Mater. He is my favorite too.

The dye on the cake was staining everyone teeth and clothes. Maddax looked like the Joker from Batman if you ask me.  I am sure his poop will be some awkward color thanks to the red dye. I only had a couple of bites of the ice cream only since I am nursing Emme.

Cake was followed up by presents. We got him a Radio Flyer tricycle, second hand thanks to the Ky Kids Consignment Sale in E-town. He also got a Cars helmet to go with his new bike. He screamed "kikickel". Elmo rides a tricycle in one of his books so he knew exactly what it was. He could not wait to ride it. I was glad to have bought one with a parents handle to save my back.

It was a good day.  Outside of the fact that Makenna is learning that she is not an only child and that other children in our family have special days besides her. I know it will be a work in progress.

I am so glad to have been giving the opportunity to be Maddax's mommy. God knew I needed his hugs and kisses throughout the day when daddy is at work.

It has been awhile

I have wanted to blog so bad lately. To update you all our changes but with a new baby and lack of sleep, blogging was last on my list. I am feeling a little more alert lately so I wanted to give you an update on our new joy.

After much begging, I was scheduled to be induced on Jan 18 at 7 am. Chris and I dropped Maddax and Makenna off at Aunt Sherries the night before to stay with Nana the next day while we went to the hospital. We returned home that night to straighten up the house and so I could repack my bag for the 4th and final time. I had contractions all night long but nothing more than I had had before so I just ignored them. The next morning Chris and I met my sister at the hospital.  I was still having contractions but there was so pattern to them so I just continued to ignore them.  I was admitted at 7:15 am and then hooked up to the monitors. I told my nurse, Erin who was amazing, that I was having contractions most of the night and continuing to have them at that present time. She said I may be in early labor. Sure enough I was and my induction turned into no induction at all. I did it on my own.  The contractions started to come more regular and more painful. I had gone natural with Maddax but was really on the fence with this pregnancy.  I was thinking about to asking for some Staydol when my water broke at 10:18 am. I knew I was not going to have time to get any drugs even if I wanted them. My doc was paged in surgery because I changed from 6 to 9 cm in less than 30 min. I told the nurses that I needed to push and they said go right ahead. Just then Dr. Basham walked in the door.  I said, "Thank you Jesus." One push later at 10:53 am Emerson Ansley was born. Wow what a rush. It turned out to be less painful than Maddax and I was so glad I went natural again.

Aunt Sherrie

Super daddy

She was perfect. weighing in at 7lbs and 13.9 oz and 21 1/2 in long. They put her right on my chest. The hospital had started a new program called Kangaroo Care and I was the first patient that my nurse got to implement it with.  They put the baby on your chest right after birth before even weighing. The baby stays there for at least the first hour of life. It is to help with nursing and bonding, as well as keeping the babies temp up better than the heating light. I loved it and was so glad to be able to experience it. 

Emme had a couple of episodes of choking after birth but since she was in the birth canal for 1.2 seconds, she did not have enough time to have all the amniotic fluid expelled from her lungs. After a few days she stopped doing it but boy did it make me nervous.

We came home and all was going well. She was eating every 3 hours and sleeping great. At her peds check up she was 8.1 pounds, up from her discharge weight of 7.6 pounds. Then it was time for Nana to go home. I was sad even before she left. I knew all along at some point she would go home, but time went way too fast. Chris stepped up and took off work for the next week to help me over the hump. I am so lucky to have him for a husband. God has blessed me with not a perfect man but one who is willing to try.

Then Emme started changing her nursing patterns. She started spitting up alot and gagging and choking with nursing. It mimicked alot of Maddax eating pattern but not to the point of reflux. That is when my third angel stepped in. Not only the best labor coach ever but the best sister ever. She had helped me with nursing Maddax and Makenna through reflux, colic, and tongue tied babies. We brain stormed and I researched and found alot of info on overactive let down and over abundance of milk supply. I quickly implemented the techniques and Emme started to improve. I went ahead and made an appt with the lactation nurse at the hospital. She was wonderful. Very compassionate and had even experienced the same problem with her son who weaned himself at 4 months. She did not want that to happen to me so she offered much encouragement and ideas to treat the issue. She also checked to see if Emme was taking in enough milk. She pre weighed her at 9 pounds and 3 ounces and then reweighed her after nursing about 10-15 minutes. This little girl took in 3 1/2  ounces of milk. The nurse said ,"Oh my." I was confused. She said most babies her age take in about 2 ounces and that Emme probably takes in as much as 5 ounces when my let down comes in too fast. Oh my was right. No wonder she was spitting up. She was as full as a tick.

Since then, Emme is much better and eating well. I am not seeing the signs I had with Maddax and Makenna and I praise God for that. He has made me stronger than I ever thought possible and given me people along the way to help me when I felt hopeless; from my mom, sister, husband , and lactaion nurse. I know he was there holding my hand all the way while they held the other hand.

Each day is better and brighter. I am sure there will be days that are rougher than others but I had those before Emme was ever born. God is refining me into the child he wants me to be. I am learning to let the small things go and address the most important, my family. I am so blessed with a beautiful, wonderful family.  I do not want to miss out on the second most important thing God has given me, my family. The first is His Son Jesus.